Disappointment

If you saw a book with the subtext "The Geometry of Excitability and Bursting", what would you think it was about?

If you guessed something about sex, you are wrong.

If you guessed theoretical neuroscience, you are right.

Applies only to the amateurs

Photographers:Artists::DJs:Musicians

When I'm Old

I have decided that when I have grandkids one day that they shall call me "gramps." It is endearing but still slightly grizzled.

My cousin thinks I should go into advertising....

Bud Light: The beer of Nobel Peace Prize Winners!

Because Vin Diesel wouldn't be as funny?

Movie Idea: The Rock as an ex-special ops guy who somehow winds up doing social work, and severely manhandles abusive and neglectful parents. Should be a laugh.

Modal Logic is my friend

If there isn't a Nine Inch Nails cover band called Six Inch Screws, there ought to be.

Oh, the Irony

I went to the library at the University of Arizona and saw the banned books display featuring the VHS of Fahrenheit 451. How appropriate.

A pencil with an eraser, shit! Now we have to make zero g whiteout....

laser pointer : stick :: NASA Pen that works in Zero G : Pencil

Captcha, bitches!

I just filled out a CAPTCHA that said "Spaniel Nutting." I think this sounds like the name of a very, very mediocre British novelist from the Victorian era.

I am the meme master

9:24 Henceforce "...in the biblical sense!" shall replace "....that's what she said!"

Grad School is so granola

Today I was given an organic lollipop by another student for answering a question correctly. I then realized that an organic lollipop is about as absurd as free range marshmallows, and then I realized that marshmallows come from pigs so that its really not that ridiculous after all.

360 Degrees of Fun

I wonder if people ever wonder about how ironic the word "revolution" is to use for the purpose of progress.

Redaction

Ok, so I joined Twitter to follow some friends. I thought it was going to be minute by minute updates of their lives (hence the narcissistic tool part) but its really just like facebook statuses. Still pretty redundant though.

9-9-99

Ten years ago tomorrow the Sega Dreamcast came out. Those ten years flew by really fast. For some reason this doesn't make me feel that old.

Parental Sex Function

People like to assume that their parents have had sex on their wedding night plus the number of children in the family. It is mathematically true, as expressed by this function.

f(x) = x + 1

World War What?

World War II officially started 70 years ago today, when Germany invaded Poland.

Japan invaded China on July 7th, 1937, two years before Germany invaded Poland.

The war ended when Japan surrendered.

And Columbus discovered America. I swear.

Grad School Fact #1

Next time someone tells you that getting a Ph.D. means you aren't a "real doctor" politely remind them that Ph.D.'s are often the one's telling the M.D.'s what they can and can't pull out of and put into your body.

There is always a job in the record industry if this whole grad school thing doesn't work out....

If I had a band, our greatest hits album would be called either "Crimes Against Humility" or "Nature's Gift to God." I'm not sure which one is worse.

If such things are possible

Today I was wondering about how many cows, chickens, and other animals I have eaten in my lifetime. I felt like a genocidal dictator....but in a good way.

Fuck Fox News

It has recently been brought to my attention that Fox News is the highest rated news channel in America (or for evening news, or some shit).

Fox news is like a tabloid that people take seriously. It is scary, it is evil.

People bringing guns to healthcare rallies? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Say what you like about healthcare reform. Calling Obama a nazi and believing in death panels is simply moronic. The "America" that you grew up in was homogenous, white, repressive, homophobic, and terrifying to anyone who likes to think for themselves.

I hope these Fox News lovers go hang themselves.

Pop Royalty is so Passe

If I were to marry Lady GaGa, would I be knighted, and if so, by whom?

Observations of a Target Shopper

Plunger in cart of stuff: Person is out shopping.

Plunger by itself: Person just backed up their toilet.

Condoms in cart of stuff: Person is out shopping.

Condoms by themselves: Person is about to get laid.

Condoms and plunger in cart of stuff: Person is out shopping.

Condoms and plunger by themselves: You don't want to know.

Their Ovens Go Up to 11 as well

My microwave settings say it should take 3 minutes and 10 seconds to cook popcorn. Why the arbitrary time of 10 seconds? Because the designer didn't attend the Spinal Tap Culinary Institute.

A Literal Buzzkill

Non-alcoholic beer: All of the carbs, and none of the fun.

I'm sure Mr. Ballard would agree with me

When are mothers everywhere going to realize that having their kids make their beds is a bit like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic?

I was actually trying to be sarcastic

In high school I had a shirt that said "Nobody knows I'm a Lesbian."

I wore an ironic t shirt before it was cool.

You hipsters can blow me.

Yes, I'm a heterosexual male.

In honor of the 40th Annaversary

Do you ever wonder if Neil Armstrong got really sick of a certain Frank Sinatra song?

Getting Old

I have yet to need a digital rectal exam, but from what my dad has told me it is a real improvement over the old analog rectal exam.

Especially if Kurt Cobain is on guitar

I don't believe in faked celebrity death conspiracy theories, but I will admit that if there is "unreleased" Michael Jackson music featuring Tupac, I will get suspicious.

How times haven't changed

Cowboy: Can light a match on any surface.

Frat boy: Can open a beer on any surface.

Not a planned experiment

Drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth tastes like shit.

Drinking corona after brushing your teeth tastes like apple juice.

Setting the bar involves writing about bars

"RICHARD LAERMER had always thought of himself as a quintessential New Yorker. As evidence, he pointed to his birth in Jackson Heights, his long-time residency in Chelsea and his authorship of seven guidebooks about the city." - The New York Times.

"Apparently my 5 guide books about DC just aren't enough." -Me

Malcolm McDowell as Goku. 'Nuff Said

Brother: "M. Night Shyamalan is directing the Avatar movie, which is a bit like Stanley Kubrik directing a live action Dragonball Z."

Me: "That would be awesome."

Idiots

I saw transformers 2 last night.

It was a good action movie, not "a film."

Any critic who thinks the plot was impossible to follow clearly can't do their job and has less intellectual ability than the 13 year old boys who were drooling over Megan Fox's ass.

Oh, Hitler

Enjoy my latest creation.

He's the shamWow guy

Vince Shlowmi: "You're going to love my nuts."

My Girlfriend: "Bet that's what he said to the hooker."

Thanksgiving in the Neurosurgery Ward

I wonder if split-brain patients can break the wishbone by themselves?  

I bet this is what a long distance relationship with a physics grad student is like....

Student: You hang up.

Significant Other: No, you hang up.

Student: You know, it really doesn't matter at all which one of us hangs up first.  We can't really know, can we?

Attention all Nerdcore Rappers

I hereby give all nerdcore rappers the right to use the following lines.  Just thank me in the liner notes or something:

Got some strain in your fingers and a bad back?

I got a better chair and Qwerty is for bitches, I type in Dvorak!"

Academic Sex Joke #1

Mathematician's wife: I love you.

Mathematician: I love you more.

MW: I love you infinitely.

M: I love you to a second order infinity.

MW:  .......

This Actually Happened

Neuroscientist: Do you have any interest in studying sleep?  I hear there are some pretty good computational models out there.

Me:  It's not really my thing.  Although I did once try a really good model of sleep.  So good in fact that it switched my computer off.

Ridiculous Fields

Due to my research job, I could call myself a "Computational Neuorichthyologist."  What is your ridiculous title?

Psychology Experiment Idea # 2343

I have a tendency to resume interrupted conversations up to fifteen minutes after they were cut off.  I wonder what the time limit on resuming is before the other people get really confused?

Clearly, they don't have their 10,000 hours in

Does it drive you nuts that you can get a great haircut, and then the hairdresser clearly has NO idea how to properly put gel in it afterwards?

"I'm sorry teacher, but Billy has a bad case of Nostalgia"

Am I the only one that thinks the word "Nostalgia" sounds more like the name for some kind of nasal/sinus infection?

I'm sure my professor ain't santa...

It is the night before my last final exam in college, which will be one of the hardest exams I've taken here.  But it feels more like Christmas.  Needless to say this is weird.

If I Ran the Kentucky Derby...

....All horses would have math names, such as:

Linear Combination
Chain Rule
Spanning Set
Implicit Differentiation
Quadratic Formula
Euclid's Algorithm
Adjoint Matrix
Lie Algebra
Real Analysis
Polynomial Space
Nash Equilibrium
Integration by Parts

and so on.

I actually burst out laughing when I thought of this in a meeting

The first time I heard someone use the phrase "the proof is in the pudding" I imagined Sherlock Holmes reaching into a bowl of custard at a dinner party, yanking a revolver out of it and going "Watson! The proof! It's in the pudding!"

Ok, so lets ignore those Andrea Bocceli arias that are in English...

Since all Opera is in Italian or German,* is the comic effect of singing Opera for parody lost on native speakers of those languages?

*traditionally speaking, I know there are exceptions

Lies.

Isn't it strange that extraordinary things always seem to happen to people that we mistrust?

A great song for a great show

Until I saw "Across the Universe" I thought that "With a little help from my friends" was actually just the theme tune for "The Wonder Years."

I was wrong.

Bring on the terrible twos.....

iomalfunction turns 1 today. Too bad it can't eat the cake I didn't make.

Can you hear me now?

The other day I had a rumbling in my stomach so strong that I thought my cell phone was vibrating. I obviously didn't answer, but I got the message.

Putting the "Complete" back in "Complete Bastards"

Whenever a mathematician or logician says "and so it follows that..." what they really mean is "this is obvious to everyone but YOU."

Naming my Daughter Marilyn Manson might be weirder though....

Maynard James Keenan, the lead singer of Tool (my favorite band) named his son "Devo" (after his favorite band). If I name my son "Tool" I'm pretty sure he would get beat up a lot.

But you wouldn't take money out of their garter

I wonder if more conservative local governments would prefer if strippers came on stage naked and were paid to take their time putting their clothes back on?

I have no doubt you'll find this post funny

Listen to "Sunday Morning" by No Doubt.  You will want to harmonize and headbang at the same time.  It's really strange.

I just made a blog post and I....

If girls have fake orgasm contests, guys should consider having fake "jizz in my pants" contests where they try and pull their best "face."

Thoughts on Numbers

If there are an infinite amount of numbers, and they are all to be named, this means that a "zillion" must actually be a number. Also on the list would be:

Yourmom
chimpanzeechoochoo
Porkloin
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Dumbfuck
SpongeBobSquarePants

and so on.

Just like the cool kids

For the last three years, I've used a 12" Apple iBook G4.

For the last three days, I've been trying to figure out if it is the smallest notebook I will ever own or the biggest netbook I'll ever own.

But I still have my marbles

On my desk was a list of ideas for posts.  I think I threw it out yesterday when cleaning my room.  If you happen to be dumpster diving or otherwise digging through trash and find it, please let me know.*

*Also, if you see any grad school letters addressed to me, these would be most appreciated as well.

When on an airline, Pt 2

As the crew is thanking me for flying with them, I have to resist the urge to ask the pilot if he has ever been in a Turkish prison and/or enjoys gladiator films.

It would probably comfort them

If I ever drive past a huge explosion, I want to look at the person next to me and casually remark "I guess Jerry Bruckheimer must be filming in town this week."

My Real Career Plans

If I weren't on my way to being a neuroscientist, I would have to get a Ph.D. in Mathematics, because its the only way I could have an academic career all about Tetris and still be taken seriously.

I'm 22

I feel old because the original Matrix came out ten years ago this month and "Family Matters" is on Nick at Night.  

When on an airline, Pt 1

Do you ever wonder how it is that people over the age of 50 swear that Vinyl sounds better, but still blow $300 on noise canceling headphones?

Merry Birfday!

My girlfriend is exactly (7 * pi) years old today. Happy birthday to her!

Business #2

You may have noticed that my postings are erratic and generally lack any sense of timing. So, I'm writing stuff down as it comes to me and will try and keep a Tuesday/Thursday update schedule.

That would be messy.

Nine Inch Nails are supposedly breaking up after the next tour. I don't really understand how a one man band can "break up", so let's just call this a hiatus.

It ain't a river in Egypt

This morning over breakfast I came to grips with the fact that "All I wanna do" (is have some fun) by Sheryl Crow is a country song. And I'm ok with that.

And to think he'd be rated PG

Does it ever depress you to think that if Chris Farley were still alive he would probably be making bad family feel good movies with Ice Cube and Tim Allen?

DAMMIT!

I wonder if Jack Bauer or anyone at CTU realizes that the most important events of their days seem to occur just before, but never on the hour?

I like some Haggis with my Hummus

I wonder if Scottish people have an easier time learning Hebrew because they can already make the "achhh" sound?

What do opera and male prostitution have in common?

It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.

Two steps ahead, and then a slide tackle

Don't you think its a little ironic that the top level Women's football league in the UK is sponsored by a supermarket chain?

You know you're a geek....

....when Amazon.com starts recommending textbooks instead of actual books, and you have never bought a textbook from them.

New Year's Baby

Don't you think that the "first baby born in 2009" argument would be rendered useless if hospital staff understood anything that Einstein said?

Hairstyles: As Explained by SCIENCE

Mohawk: Energy and mass are formed at the center of the system in a gaussian distribution. Certain compounds are required to maintain this state. H2O works for a few seconds, more powerful adhesives are required for extended periods of time.

Combover: Some energy and a lot of mass is moving from areas of high to low concentration.

Afro: A chaotic system. The laws of thermodynamics break down at this energy level.

Dreadlocks: When an afro "cools down" after a long period in a chaotic state, it eventually forms an incredibly static system. The only way to alter the state of a "dreadlocked" system is to destroy it completely. Whoever figures out why will get a free trip to Sweden.

Bedhead: This is a strange system, although it appears dynamic, occasionally static pockets emerge. H2O can return this system to a more stable state.

The wisdom of grandparents

"Who are you going to texmex on that new phone?"

The True Pain of Poetry

Isn't "SON OF A BITCH!!" kind of a mouthful to yell when you stub your toe? DAMMIT! FUCK! or SHIT! is much more quick and to the point, yet some of us spit out 5 syllables. That's a third of a haiku.

He got his MBA at KKK State College...?

I look over and see "Managing White Supremacy" on the bookshelf.  For a second I thought it might be a book on how to run your very own hate group.

AOOOGAH!!! DANNN!! DANNN!! DANNN!!

I want my house to have alarms like in movies and old TV shows, so that way when it burns down, it will do so in style.

This started as a Russian reversal, I swear...

Sex:  A drug that uses you when you use it.

On a Whiteboard in the UNIX lab

I lost my physics textbook. Please return it. I am not mad just worried. I NEED IT TO STUDY!
-

I lost my mind. Please return it. I am not mad, just worried. I NEED IT FOR EVERYTHING!
-

It was delicious.
-Zombie #147

Not in your Sears Catalog

Schroedinger's Dishwasher: No one knows if the dishes are clean or not!

Schroedinger's Percolator: No one knows if it makes decaf or not!

Schroedinger's Toaster: No one knows if the toast is done...aren't all toasters like this?

Schroedinger's Toilet: No one knows if it has been flu......ewww

Schroedinger's Mailbox: Not approved by the postal service, to say the least.

Schroedinger's Vending Machine: It will eat your change. This is certain.

Schroedinger's Bullshit: No one knows if it is true.

Schroedinger's Shower: See "Second Degree Burns"

Schroedinger's Pregnancy Test: .....oh god....

You know you're a right wing nutjob if...

You grew up in a "compound" and your last name isn't "Kennedy."

It's a logarithmic scale

Olive Oil purity scale:

1. Extra Virgin
2. Virgin
3. Doesn't go slutty on haloween
4. Active but responsible
5. Kind of a ho
6. Total Slut
7. Would do anything for a slice of pizza
8. The "She"* in "that's what She said."

*From now on, "She" will be a proper noun, because She is out there some where.

This doens't make me yee-haw

I wonder if the Republicans have any idea how many voters they alienate with country music.

Life isn't like a box of Chocolates

If I voted for McCain and I was an asshole, and he won, my facebook status would say "...is sorry he ruined your black panther party."

The tickets still cost the same

Isn't it weird that we don't like seeing comedians who tell the same jokes over and over, but we like it when bands play the same songs they always do?*

*Yes, we expect some variety, but you get what I mean.

I guess we all know how my brain is wired....

I saw a license plate today that said "MRICLE" and for a few minutes I was trying to figure out how the "CLE" pertained to getting or giving an MRI. Is it a job? A certifi....oh, micacle. Nevermind.

At least it doesn't taste like chicken...

Why does a post frosted flakes belch always taste like mac and cheese?

Not Schizophrenia

The only thing that looks crazier than a person talking to themselves on a bluetooth headset? Someone doing it in another language.

I bet they used Cosmos as an anesthetic....

I drove past a town today called "Ladysmith" and immediately thought "I bet that's what they called the surgeons performing sex-change operations back in the Victorian times...."

Retro in HD

I'm trying to figure out why this new HD TV makes a NES like beeping noise when turned on or off. So far: HD has gone retro?

Air Hockey

Any game where you are more likely to win by your opponent scoring on themselves than you scoring is not a game of skill.

Multiple Choice

Multiple choice tests: They give you the right answer, but you still get it wrong.

LOW BATT

I think its pretty dumb that cell phones with low battery power waste it by vibrating to tell us this.

The Greastest Question of all time?

I often find my mind wandering and asking many complex questions with difficult answers, like "Why the hell was the first Matrix rated R?"

The scary thing is that it will be ten years old this March. That makes me feel pretty old.

Shame

Have you ever looked at your "Top 25 Most Played" list on iTunes or your iPod and been really, really ashamed of yourself?