Friday, August 28, 2009

There is always a job in the record industry if this whole grad school thing doesn't work out....

If I had a band, our greatest hits album would be called either "Crimes Against Humility" or "Nature's Gift to God." I'm not sure which one is worse.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

If such things are possible

Today I was wondering about how many cows, chickens, and other animals I have eaten in my lifetime. I felt like a genocidal dictator....but in a good way.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Fuck Fox News

It has recently been brought to my attention that Fox News is the highest rated news channel in America (or for evening news, or some shit).

Fox news is like a tabloid that people take seriously. It is scary, it is evil.

People bringing guns to healthcare rallies? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Say what you like about healthcare reform. Calling Obama a nazi and believing in death panels is simply moronic. The "America" that you grew up in was homogenous, white, repressive, homophobic, and terrifying to anyone who likes to think for themselves.

I hope these Fox News lovers go hang themselves.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Pop Royalty is so Passe

If I were to marry Lady GaGa, would I be knighted, and if so, by whom?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Observations of a Target Shopper

Plunger in cart of stuff: Person is out shopping.

Plunger by itself: Person just backed up their toilet.

Condoms in cart of stuff: Person is out shopping.

Condoms by themselves: Person is about to get laid.

Condoms and plunger in cart of stuff: Person is out shopping.

Condoms and plunger by themselves: You don't want to know.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Their Ovens Go Up to 11 as well

My microwave settings say it should take 3 minutes and 10 seconds to cook popcorn. Why the arbitrary time of 10 seconds? Because the designer didn't attend the Spinal Tap Culinary Institute.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A Literal Buzzkill

Non-alcoholic beer: All of the carbs, and none of the fun.