Monday, December 29, 2008

Hairstyles: As Explained by SCIENCE

Mohawk: Energy and mass are formed at the center of the system in a gaussian distribution. Certain compounds are required to maintain this state. H2O works for a few seconds, more powerful adhesives are required for extended periods of time.

Combover: Some energy and a lot of mass is moving from areas of high to low concentration.

Afro: A chaotic system. The laws of thermodynamics break down at this energy level.

Dreadlocks: When an afro "cools down" after a long period in a chaotic state, it eventually forms an incredibly static system. The only way to alter the state of a "dreadlocked" system is to destroy it completely. Whoever figures out why will get a free trip to Sweden.

Bedhead: This is a strange system, although it appears dynamic, occasionally static pockets emerge. H2O can return this system to a more stable state.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

The wisdom of grandparents

"Who are you going to texmex on that new phone?"

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The True Pain of Poetry

Isn't "SON OF A BITCH!!" kind of a mouthful to yell when you stub your toe? DAMMIT! FUCK! or SHIT! is much more quick and to the point, yet some of us spit out 5 syllables. That's a third of a haiku.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

He got his MBA at KKK State College...?

I look over and see "Managing White Supremacy" on the bookshelf.  For a second I thought it might be a book on how to run your very own hate group.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


I want my house to have alarms like in movies and old TV shows, so that way when it burns down, it will do so in style.

Monday, December 1, 2008

This started as a Russian reversal, I swear...

Sex:  A drug that uses you when you use it.

Monday, November 24, 2008

On a Whiteboard in the UNIX lab

I lost my physics textbook. Please return it. I am not mad just worried. I NEED IT TO STUDY!

I lost my mind. Please return it. I am not mad, just worried. I NEED IT FOR EVERYTHING!

It was delicious.
-Zombie #147

Friday, November 14, 2008

Not in your Sears Catalog

Schroedinger's Dishwasher: No one knows if the dishes are clean or not!

Schroedinger's Percolator: No one knows if it makes decaf or not!

Schroedinger's Toaster: No one knows if the toast is done...aren't all toasters like this?

Schroedinger's Toilet: No one knows if it has been flu......ewww

Schroedinger's Mailbox: Not approved by the postal service, to say the least.

Schroedinger's Vending Machine: It will eat your change. This is certain.

Schroedinger's Bullshit: No one knows if it is true.

Schroedinger's Shower: See "Second Degree Burns"

Schroedinger's Pregnancy Test: .....oh god....

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

You know you're a right wing nutjob if...

You grew up in a "compound" and your last name isn't "Kennedy."

It's a logarithmic scale

Olive Oil purity scale:

1. Extra Virgin
2. Virgin
3. Doesn't go slutty on haloween
4. Active but responsible
5. Kind of a ho
6. Total Slut
7. Would do anything for a slice of pizza
8. The "She"* in "that's what She said."

*From now on, "She" will be a proper noun, because She is out there some where.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

This doens't make me yee-haw

I wonder if the Republicans have any idea how many voters they alienate with country music.

Life isn't like a box of Chocolates

If I voted for McCain and I was an asshole, and he won, my facebook status would say " sorry he ruined your black panther party."

Saturday, November 1, 2008

The tickets still cost the same

Isn't it weird that we don't like seeing comedians who tell the same jokes over and over, but we like it when bands play the same songs they always do?*

*Yes, we expect some variety, but you get what I mean.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I guess we all know how my brain is wired....

I saw a license plate today that said "MRICLE" and for a few minutes I was trying to figure out how the "CLE" pertained to getting or giving an MRI. Is it a job? A certifi....oh, micacle. Nevermind.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

At least it doesn't taste like chicken...

Why does a post frosted flakes belch always taste like mac and cheese?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Not Schizophrenia

The only thing that looks crazier than a person talking to themselves on a bluetooth headset? Someone doing it in another language.

I bet they used Cosmos as an anesthetic....

I drove past a town today called "Ladysmith" and immediately thought "I bet that's what they called the surgeons performing sex-change operations back in the Victorian times...."

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Retro in HD

I'm trying to figure out why this new HD TV makes a NES like beeping noise when turned on or off. So far: HD has gone retro?

Friday, October 17, 2008

Air Hockey

Any game where you are more likely to win by your opponent scoring on themselves than you scoring is not a game of skill.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Multiple Choice

Multiple choice tests: They give you the right answer, but you still get it wrong.

Monday, October 6, 2008


I think its pretty dumb that cell phones with low battery power waste it by vibrating to tell us this.

Friday, October 3, 2008

The Greastest Question of all time?

I often find my mind wandering and asking many complex questions with difficult answers, like "Why the hell was the first Matrix rated R?"

The scary thing is that it will be ten years old this March. That makes me feel pretty old.

Thursday, October 2, 2008


Have you ever looked at your "Top 25 Most Played" list on iTunes or your iPod and been really, really ashamed of yourself?

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Both are pretty quiet, actually.

Every time I see a "Student Libertarians" sign I immediately think it says "Student Librarians."

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A Very Metal Disney

1. Rammstein - Be Our Guest (in English)
2. Under the Sea - DragonForce
3. Can You Feel the Love Tonight? - Dimmu Borgir
4. Be Prepared - Iron Maiden
5. Slipknot - Colors of the Wind
6. Nightwish - Zippidy Doo Dah
7. Metallica - Cruella De Ville
8. Opeth - I've Got No Strings
9. Dark Tranquillity - Arabian Nights
10. In Flames - The Bear Necessities
11. Rob Zombie - Hakuna Matata

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I love kid cereal

If you are what you eat, and I eat Apple Jacks for breakfast every day for a month or two*,  then clearly I do not taste like apples, either.

*They were on sale for $1 each.  Oh yeah.

Friday, September 19, 2008


I am a huge proponent of evolution, but reading Darwin is a bitch. I'm pretty sure that the "On the Origin of Species" should be renamed "On the Origin of Sleepy."

Surely, It Can't be Steve

Whenever I see someone with a name like "S. Reginald Jones" I always have to wonder what kind of crazy ass first name he was given that causes him to want to go by Reginald.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

CGI is not an acceptable answer

Do you ever wonder exactly how one gets on a chandelier to swing in and save the day?  I mean I have never seen one that was within reach of a balcony or anything.

Middle School

Never, ever get into an argument with a group of people about who was weirder in middle school.  Someone will admit something really embarrassing and it will end awkwardly.

Monday, September 15, 2008

On Booze and Matrimony / Why hasn't this been made into a beer commercial yet?

People often wonder if they should have an open bar at their weddings or let everyone buy their own damn drinks. The solution: BYOB.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Scranton Scantron

Every time I see a reference to the "University of Scranton" I misread it as University of Scantron. The first time this happened I thought "They must be the people that invented computer-read testing paper."

Monday, September 8, 2008

Cell Phones

You know you have bad phantom phone syndrome when you find yourself reaching for your pocket whilst in the shower.

Friday, September 5, 2008

The problem with American Capitalism

We pay people more to manage money than to actually earn it.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Yo mama

I remember the joke "Yo mama is so poor that she can't pay attention!"

Well, I guess if she can't afford to buy her ritalin, yo mama is in fact too poor to pay attention.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Not that I believe in these things....

But if there is a God and it speaks through the weather, then this hurricane should be telling us two things:

1. Remember what happened last time and who was in charge.
2. Someone up there wants to cancel the RNC.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Another Post in the Wall

So I have 1143 posts on my facebook wall, and have had my account for nearly three years. For the sake of argument, lets assume that I am average:

1143/3 = 381 posts per year, ~1.05 posts per day.

So, at ~5000 students, this means that 1.9 million wall posts are made every year to profiles at my university alone.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I wish there was a God.... that I could say that he kills a cute animal every time a redhead dyes her hair blonde.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Business #1

I will now be emailed whenever comments are made. Sorry if I had ignored some of the ones with questions for weeks on end; I didn't know they were there.

Also, posts tagged as "Answers without questions" are there to be answered.

Properties of things that are offensive to the olfactory senses

Intelligent Design and old Cheese have a lot in common; they are full of holes and smell really bad.


They need to make a "Product Placement Movie" that spoofs the "_____ movies." It would be horrible but they would still make money because of the advertising.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Definition of Laziness

Asking someone a question you forgot the answer to in an AIM conversation when you can just scroll up.

Things you never want to hear a doctor say #243490

"Nurse, get me a brillo pad, STAT!"

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Gotta have my tunes, dammit!

There is a unique sort of frustration that comes from needing AAA batteries and finding that every other remote in your house/apartment/lab uses AAs.

Gateway Drugs

"I just like *some* of their songs" -The path to being a hardcore fan of a guilty pleasure.

(note: this how I got into Cradle of Filth, Justin Timberlake, Marilyn Manson, Nelly Furtado, and Slipknot)

We live in an R-rated world

I wonder if any small children ever realize that being told to "run along" is just a polite way of telling a child to fuck off?

Monday, August 18, 2008

Note to Self

Lux Aeterna* is a really bad choice of music when studying for the GREs.

*theme from "Requiem for a Dream" and some Lord of the Rings trailers.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

World War III will be fought in 2010....and not with jokes about Poland

Did you hear what happened when Russia played Germany in the world cup? Five Polish players were injured!

My 2009 Calendar....

....ought to be XKCD, but sadly there are more than 3 days in the week.

Soccer/Football and Psychology

I used to wonder if when the FIFA commentator says "That wasn't classical positioning!" if he was making some kind of bad joke about behaviorism, but then I realized that it was just me.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Spam Wars

I wonder if email spam bots on Craigslist ads accidentally try to commit identity crimes against other spam bots?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Cave Men

My sixth grade history teacher used to say "Thumthar days" instead of "olden days." Don't you think that "thumthar" would be a great name for a caveman?

Friday, August 8, 2008

The Seventh Rule of Fight Club.... that you cannot ever buy "Fight Club"* because doing so defeats the message of the story.

*Even if it is on sale for $9 at the grocery store.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

R2D2: Ahead of his time

C3P0: They'll hit the main reactor! We'll be destroyed for sure...this is madness!"
R2D2: Beep beep boo beep
(Translation "This is Sparta")

Sunday, August 3, 2008

I didn't know I could do that...

Last night I was hanging out with one of my friends, and noticed that I was lactating.

In case you didn't know, I am a male.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

If we can put a man on the moon, then why do we still......

I wonder if as Neil Armstrong was taking his first steps on the moon and uttering those famous words, if someone in mission control was like "Man....I wonder if we set the bar just a little too high?"

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Drag Show

I want to see a drag queen sing "I kissed a girl" so that the audience will be really confused about her/his sexual orientation.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Sometimes I think horrible things

If Fragile X weren't a genetic disorder, it would be a really good name for a rock band. You know, an industrial goth type of band.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Thank you, don't come again!

Have you ever had someone sit down next to you and thought "This person smells like a 7-11?"

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Job Hunting

If you ever meet someone who is about to graduate with a degree in Materials Science/Engineering wondering what to do after graduation, say "Plastics." Then they will be confused as to whether you are being serious or just referring to The Graduate.

Medical Barriers to enlightenment

If one needs to align the chakras in their spine whilst meditating, but has scoliosis, are they spiritually screwed from an eastern perspective?

Friday, July 4, 2008

Independence Day

Today, I want everyone to go and thank a veteran of the horrible war that ended 12 years ago today. Will Smith could never have beat the aliens without them.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Like odd socks, but more valuable...

12,000 Laptops are lost every week at airports
70% (8400) are never recovered
8400 * 52 Weeks a year = 436800 Laptops per year

It only takes 2 years and 3 months for a million laptops to go missing.

As a computer geek, this makes me sad.

If Cows had cars....

I saw a car with O L D S M O B I L E spelled out across the trunk, but the lock was between the M and the O and the same size as the font. Oldsmoobile.

The Smell of Happiness

Last night as I was making a smoothie in a blender, I realized that the smell of the kitchen growing up that I had associated with cake and other baked goods was actually just the smell of the innards of the appliances heating up. I guess the smell of happiness is actually the smell of machinery.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Abercrombie and Itch

I have a pair of boxers from Abercrombie and Fitch. It is the most uncomfortable pair I own, it makes me feel like I have crabs or something.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


I want to move to theory, it seems like a wonderful place because everything seems to work there.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Odd Career Plan:

So being a military psychologist would probably be cool, because you could kill the people who are making your patients/clients upset.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

I can't believe he posted that...

I find the word gumption to be hilarious because it sounds like a word for a disease involving lots of pooing.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

A Challenge

I challenge all women under 25 to never use the word "amazing" to describe their friends, weekends, trips, whatever, unless they mean it. You are turning it into a cliched word and I am sick of it.


Sunday, June 15, 2008

Father's Day

Too busy with a paper to come up with my own joke for today. Have this instead, and like your father said, be grateful for it:

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Senior Seminar

Paper: "Chess pieces can act in concert...."
Prof's note: "Can pieces "act"?
Me in class tomorrow: "Apparently you've never seen Harry Potter!"

Assassinating a Word

Did you know that "Assassination" spells Ass Ass I Nation? You'll
never look at it the same way again.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Look it up on Wikipedia....

Dean Windass was born on April Fools' Day, 1 April 1969 and grew up in Gipsyville, Hull. His parents, John and Doreen, divorced when he was thirteen years old.

Not a lucky kid, but he's in the premiereship now...

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Dark Side of the Toris

Doesn't "Shadow Children's Minister" sound really really creepy?


Twitter is for Tools. There, I said it.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Definition of Cruelty

Putting "be kind, rewind" stickers on DVDs in an old folks home.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Introducing the New Field of Developmental Economics

As a kid whenever I had dessert my dad always made us "pay our taxes" and ate a (sometimes large) bite or two.

I think that having this idea of taxation from such a young age is what stopped me from ever becoming a Libertarian.

EDIT:  It was recently brought to my attention that there is a field called "Development Economics" that deals with the economics of developing nations.  

Monday, May 26, 2008

I'm actually more of a metalhead, seriously.

So I hear this Justin Timberlake and Timbaland song and they go "bounce like your ass had the hiccups!"

Wouldn't that be called farting?

Sunday, May 25, 2008

When Advertising Malfunctions

About a year or two ago a birth control pill called "Yasmine" came out, and I started referring to it as "yaz" or "the yaz." Now they actually call it that.

Friday, May 23, 2008

On the S&P 500

I don't understand why one of the most important financial institutions in the world is allowed to have "Standard" and "Poor" in the name.

What a loner

I wonder if anyone has ever asked their psychologist how to "get"
dissasociative identity (multiple personality) disorder so they can
play dungeons and dragons alone?

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

If Jay-Z were a Mathematician.....

If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son, I've got 99 problems and the odd ones are in calculus.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Stolen Jokes

I went to watch graduation yesterday and our valedictorian had a 3.98. The president asked "I wonder who gave her the one A-." right after I said it.

Apparently I am one of about 3002542342 people that asked this question to the person next to them.

Musing upon Genesis...

After all these years I still don't know what Phil Collins feels in the air tonight. Nor why I have to hold on.

MS Word

I hope I am not the only one this month that is being driven nuts by autocomplete trying to fill in the date every time they type "may"

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The 70s

Sometimes I am really amazed that all the great minds that were around in the 70s survived without dying in roller disco accidents.


I'm starting to think that giving birth to a child (or fathering one) results in either a breakdown or complete brain takeover of the limbic system.

This Made me Giggle

Semester GPA: 3.82
Overall GPA: 3.28

Don't know why

Sunday, May 11, 2008


All humans are 2/3rds water. If the population continues to grow, at what point do we become all the drinkable water? I scared the crap out of myself and miscalculated it to 2054. Turns out I misplaced an E doing the math. Whew.

Old People

Do you ever find yourself stuck behind a slow moving Cadillac and go "I really don't get how these people beat the Nazis and the Japanese at *the same* time?"

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Misheard Lyrics

Have you ever noticed that "inside of me" often sounds just like "in sodomy" or "and sodomy" when sung?

In a Nutshell

Operating System elitism: My 0s and 1s are better than your 0s and 1s.

Sunday, May 4, 2008


Some say things like playing (American) football builds character. I think it just turns you into one.

Hypothetical Drinking Games

Beer Pong: Harry Potter versus Luke Skywalker. Who would win?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Chemistry and Finals

Studying is like a gas. You can always add more, but eventually the pressure will break the chamber or the regulator. Sometimes I wish it were liquid....still fluid, but with more limits.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

If given the choice....

....between a lifetime supply of skittles or toilet paper, which would you pick and why?

Sorry About that

My blog was sort of taken offline because their spam program thought it was....spam. I didn't know whether to be offended or honored.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Talk about Mercury Poisoning....

Today in the lab I saw a drawer labeled "floating thermometers" but I thought at first glance that it said flying thermometers. That would be dangerous, and besides that totally unreadable.

And it must be in Switzerland

I recently got into an argument about the rules of kickball. I'll bet there is some kind of international kickball federation or whatever in Switzerland, made up of very articulate third graders.

...But are they really doctors?

I can make my body crack in so many places that I would make a chiropractor into a cry-ropractor.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Sam Jackson is Awesome

I want there to be a movie starring Samuel L. Jackson where he says "I AMMMMM THE DARKNESS ON THE FACE OF THE DEEP!" in his usual voice.

Monday, April 21, 2008


Do you ever think that one should say "I sit corrected" instead of "I stand corrected" if they are in a chair and wrong?

Nasa Evaluations

I think I'd make a good astronaut, but not being able to scratch myself in a spacesuit without dying would suck.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Great uses of Mathematics #1

My uncle said "If everyone in America has at least 3 pairs of odd socks, that must mean there are over a billion missing socks in the US alone."

Odd that the person in my family I probably have the most in common with shares no DNA with me....

Negation in Behavioral Medicine

An away message belonging to one of my friends says "Adderall is my anti drug....drug"

This got me thinking.

Isn't methadone an anti-drug drug?

Decibels are a bunch of crap

As a kid I slept through gunfire, but now I can't sleep through a few drunks. It made for a cool story but I'd trade it for a good night of sleep.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Executive Power

Thomas Jefferson: The only US President with the stones to line item veto the Bible.


I want to open a Vietnamese and Mexican restaurant and call it Atacolypse Now!