Oh, the Irony

I went to the library at the University of Arizona and saw the banned books display featuring the VHS of Fahrenheit 451. How appropriate.

A pencil with an eraser, shit! Now we have to make zero g whiteout....

laser pointer : stick :: NASA Pen that works in Zero G : Pencil

Captcha, bitches!

I just filled out a CAPTCHA that said "Spaniel Nutting." I think this sounds like the name of a very, very mediocre British novelist from the Victorian era.

I am the meme master

9:24 Henceforce "...in the biblical sense!" shall replace "....that's what she said!"

Grad School is so granola

Today I was given an organic lollipop by another student for answering a question correctly. I then realized that an organic lollipop is about as absurd as free range marshmallows, and then I realized that marshmallows come from pigs so that its really not that ridiculous after all.

360 Degrees of Fun

I wonder if people ever wonder about how ironic the word "revolution" is to use for the purpose of progress.

Redaction

Ok, so I joined Twitter to follow some friends. I thought it was going to be minute by minute updates of their lives (hence the narcissistic tool part) but its really just like facebook statuses. Still pretty redundant though.

9-9-99

Ten years ago tomorrow the Sega Dreamcast came out. Those ten years flew by really fast. For some reason this doesn't make me feel that old.

Parental Sex Function

People like to assume that their parents have had sex on their wedding night plus the number of children in the family. It is mathematically true, as expressed by this function.

f(x) = x + 1

World War What?

World War II officially started 70 years ago today, when Germany invaded Poland.

Japan invaded China on July 7th, 1937, two years before Germany invaded Poland.

The war ended when Japan surrendered.

And Columbus discovered America. I swear.

Grad School Fact #1

Next time someone tells you that getting a Ph.D. means you aren't a "real doctor" politely remind them that Ph.D.'s are often the one's telling the M.D.'s what they can and can't pull out of and put into your body.

There is always a job in the record industry if this whole grad school thing doesn't work out....

If I had a band, our greatest hits album would be called either "Crimes Against Humility" or "Nature's Gift to God." I'm not sure which one is worse.

If such things are possible

Today I was wondering about how many cows, chickens, and other animals I have eaten in my lifetime. I felt like a genocidal dictator....but in a good way.

Fuck Fox News

It has recently been brought to my attention that Fox News is the highest rated news channel in America (or for evening news, or some shit).

Fox news is like a tabloid that people take seriously. It is scary, it is evil.

People bringing guns to healthcare rallies? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Say what you like about healthcare reform. Calling Obama a nazi and believing in death panels is simply moronic. The "America" that you grew up in was homogenous, white, repressive, homophobic, and terrifying to anyone who likes to think for themselves.

I hope these Fox News lovers go hang themselves.

Pop Royalty is so Passe

If I were to marry Lady GaGa, would I be knighted, and if so, by whom?

Observations of a Target Shopper

Plunger in cart of stuff: Person is out shopping.

Plunger by itself: Person just backed up their toilet.

Condoms in cart of stuff: Person is out shopping.

Condoms by themselves: Person is about to get laid.

Condoms and plunger in cart of stuff: Person is out shopping.

Condoms and plunger by themselves: You don't want to know.

Their Ovens Go Up to 11 as well

My microwave settings say it should take 3 minutes and 10 seconds to cook popcorn. Why the arbitrary time of 10 seconds? Because the designer didn't attend the Spinal Tap Culinary Institute.

A Literal Buzzkill

Non-alcoholic beer: All of the carbs, and none of the fun.

I'm sure Mr. Ballard would agree with me

When are mothers everywhere going to realize that having their kids make their beds is a bit like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic?

I was actually trying to be sarcastic

In high school I had a shirt that said "Nobody knows I'm a Lesbian."

I wore an ironic t shirt before it was cool.

You hipsters can blow me.

Yes, I'm a heterosexual male.