Try this the next time you're out....

It isn't two Bud Lights, it is two Buds Light.

Like attorneys general, or courts martial.

Think about it.

Kim Jong Ill or Kim Jong Kill?

"Meanwhile, there has been a steady stream of political purges, according to North Korean announcements and South Korean intelligence, with top party officials executed, dismissed or demoted — and a few killed in traffic accidents under circumstances the South Korean news media found suspicious."

Indeed, considering how there are practically no cars in the country.

This only works in the American pronunciation

If I owned a sex shop, I'd call it "Toys for Twats."

Why can't we wear gym shorts, anyway?

Number of pools that say you must shower before getting in: All of them.

Number of pools that enforce said rule: None.

Structure vs Function

The difference between a tote bag and a man purse is whether or not you wear it on your shoulder.

I'm sure there would be more appeal if it came with scuba certification....

When I'm a professor, I want to teach a 1 credit course in underwater basket weaving, just so that students can go home and tell their parents that they are definitely going to get an A in underwater basket weaving.

On Wallpaper

I'm pretty convinced that people who are technically literate yet do not change the default desktop background on their computers lack personality.

Sex, Truth, and Videotape

Funny how paying someone for sex is illegal unless you record it and sell it.

On Liquorice

No matter how much I chew a twizzler's, I wish I had chewed it more about half a second after I swallow it.

All is Fair in Love and War

War: Veni, Vidi, Vici

Sex: Vidi, Vici, Veni

Back to the Future

Do you ever think that it would have been funny if siblings were added as well as taken away from the picture of the future that Marty brought back with him to the 1950s?

Stalkerdom

Definition of creepy: Having someone be the mayor of my apartment on 4square other than myself, if such a thing were possible.

Call 1-800-ITS-EASY

Ever notice how the stuff you can order on TV exists only because it makes everyday tasks look impossibly hard or painful, and offers a solution?

"Willy" Lohman, anyone?

A few of my friends took time off from college to get into the sex toy business. It didn't work out. However, I wish I had thought to refer to them as "Dildo Salesman" at the time.

On Swearing

People who say "swearing shows that you have a limited vocabulary" obviously haven't met too many academics.

I don't want to know where you stuck that cookie.

I was just staring off into space and realized in horror that there is a possibility that eventually rap metal will be cool again in a retro kind of sense.

Someone said:
Goth: Existence is Sad.
Emo: I am Sad.

I say:
Hipsters: You are Sad.

DAMMIT!

Do you ever think if Jack Bauer were real that he would be really ashamed of Kiefer Sutherland?

The bane of basic science/you should do something useful

Cellular Biology: Cancer

Neuroscience: Alzheimer's disease

Number Theory: Cryptography

In your field, what is the thing you have to mention in every grant proposal in order to feel like you can get funding?

Experience matters.

Whoever said you can't die from lack of sex was clearly a virgin.

Fabulous Facts

Lady Gaga + Ice Skates + Penis = Johnny Weir.

Tucson

I love this town. Let's hope Hipsters never find out that it exists.

What wouldn't Jesus do?

I don't understand why preachers feel the need to come to college campuses and tell the students that they are all sex-crazed perverts. No one says "I found Jesus after some guy on a soapbox told me I was living the life of a destitute prick, and I had an epiphany...."

Thoughts on 90's dance music

Contrary to popular belief, groove is not in the heart. It is in the Liver. This is why drunks cannot dance.

Pshh...what an Einstein.

Have you ever noticed that the line "God does not play dice with the universe" is self-contradicting?

Frustration.

When doing my computer vision homework, I actually derived f = -m' * L. FML indeed.

Living Dangerously by Kindergarten Standards

I don't wash my apples before I eat them. You are all wimps.

European Beaches

I bet the European version of "Girls Gone Wild" is called "Girls Gone Normal."

To be 12 again...

When the Eiffel 65 song "Blue" came out, I honestly thought it was about smurfs. I know that I am not the only person who thought this.

This should be your new year's resolution

There is a saying "You can't have your cake and eat it too." For years this confused me because you must be able to have cake before you can eat it. I assumed that the "and" implied some sort of time passing.

From now on, we should all say "You can't eat your cake and have it too" because it makes more sense.

I should have said "Fudging global warming data"

Me: So then I was doing some photoshop work....
Dad: *interrupts* What do you guys do in photoshop?
Me: I work in a vision lab. We have to make things for people to look at.
Dad: Oh.

Ideas from Black Friday

Rock Band: Slipknot Edition. Comes with three drumsets!

My apologies to Kant

"History is bunk"
- Henry Ford

"Ford is a douche"
- History

Movie Math

Halo + Fern Gully = Avatar

21st century fame

We used to get 15 minutes of fame. Now we get 140 characters.

Disclaimer

"The events and persons portrayed in this film are intended to be fictional. Any resemblance to real persons or events, dead or alive, is purely coincidental."

Why is this at the end of so many science fiction films?

Crazy

Half an hour ago the Commonwealth of Virginia executed a man who was clearly Schizophrenic. That is truly crazy.

Today.

If they are my father's brothers-in-arms, that makes them my uncles (and aunts).

Think about it.

Have you ever actually known someone to be a unicyclist that is....normal?

Violence is fun

Wheelchair Rugby: proof that even if you break a man's spine and cut off his legs, that he will still want to kick his fellow man's ass competitively.

200th Post!

Yeah, this is the 200th post.

And no, I have nothing to show for it. Sorry!

To all my homies in hot topic

If your band claims to play a genre of music that ends in the suffix "-core" they probably suck.

Disappointment

If you saw a book with the subtext "The Geometry of Excitability and Bursting", what would you think it was about?

If you guessed something about sex, you are wrong.

If you guessed theoretical neuroscience, you are right.

Applies only to the amateurs

Photographers:Artists::DJs:Musicians

When I'm Old

I have decided that when I have grandkids one day that they shall call me "gramps." It is endearing but still slightly grizzled.

My cousin thinks I should go into advertising....

Bud Light: The beer of Nobel Peace Prize Winners!

Because Vin Diesel wouldn't be as funny?

Movie Idea: The Rock as an ex-special ops guy who somehow winds up doing social work, and severely manhandles abusive and neglectful parents. Should be a laugh.

Modal Logic is my friend

If there isn't a Nine Inch Nails cover band called Six Inch Screws, there ought to be.

Oh, the Irony

I went to the library at the University of Arizona and saw the banned books display featuring the VHS of Fahrenheit 451. How appropriate.

A pencil with an eraser, shit! Now we have to make zero g whiteout....

laser pointer : stick :: NASA Pen that works in Zero G : Pencil

Captcha, bitches!

I just filled out a CAPTCHA that said "Spaniel Nutting." I think this sounds like the name of a very, very mediocre British novelist from the Victorian era.

I am the meme master

9:24 Henceforce "...in the biblical sense!" shall replace "....that's what she said!"

Grad School is so granola

Today I was given an organic lollipop by another student for answering a question correctly. I then realized that an organic lollipop is about as absurd as free range marshmallows, and then I realized that marshmallows come from pigs so that its really not that ridiculous after all.

360 Degrees of Fun

I wonder if people ever wonder about how ironic the word "revolution" is to use for the purpose of progress.

Redaction

Ok, so I joined Twitter to follow some friends. I thought it was going to be minute by minute updates of their lives (hence the narcissistic tool part) but its really just like facebook statuses. Still pretty redundant though.

9-9-99

Ten years ago tomorrow the Sega Dreamcast came out. Those ten years flew by really fast. For some reason this doesn't make me feel that old.

Parental Sex Function

People like to assume that their parents have had sex on their wedding night plus the number of children in the family. It is mathematically true, as expressed by this function.

f(x) = x + 1

World War What?

World War II officially started 70 years ago today, when Germany invaded Poland.

Japan invaded China on July 7th, 1937, two years before Germany invaded Poland.

The war ended when Japan surrendered.

And Columbus discovered America. I swear.

Grad School Fact #1

Next time someone tells you that getting a Ph.D. means you aren't a "real doctor" politely remind them that Ph.D.'s are often the one's telling the M.D.'s what they can and can't pull out of and put into your body.

There is always a job in the record industry if this whole grad school thing doesn't work out....

If I had a band, our greatest hits album would be called either "Crimes Against Humility" or "Nature's Gift to God." I'm not sure which one is worse.

If such things are possible

Today I was wondering about how many cows, chickens, and other animals I have eaten in my lifetime. I felt like a genocidal dictator....but in a good way.

Fuck Fox News

It has recently been brought to my attention that Fox News is the highest rated news channel in America (or for evening news, or some shit).

Fox news is like a tabloid that people take seriously. It is scary, it is evil.

People bringing guns to healthcare rallies? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Say what you like about healthcare reform. Calling Obama a nazi and believing in death panels is simply moronic. The "America" that you grew up in was homogenous, white, repressive, homophobic, and terrifying to anyone who likes to think for themselves.

I hope these Fox News lovers go hang themselves.

Pop Royalty is so Passe

If I were to marry Lady GaGa, would I be knighted, and if so, by whom?

Observations of a Target Shopper

Plunger in cart of stuff: Person is out shopping.

Plunger by itself: Person just backed up their toilet.

Condoms in cart of stuff: Person is out shopping.

Condoms by themselves: Person is about to get laid.

Condoms and plunger in cart of stuff: Person is out shopping.

Condoms and plunger by themselves: You don't want to know.

Their Ovens Go Up to 11 as well

My microwave settings say it should take 3 minutes and 10 seconds to cook popcorn. Why the arbitrary time of 10 seconds? Because the designer didn't attend the Spinal Tap Culinary Institute.

A Literal Buzzkill

Non-alcoholic beer: All of the carbs, and none of the fun.

I'm sure Mr. Ballard would agree with me

When are mothers everywhere going to realize that having their kids make their beds is a bit like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic?

I was actually trying to be sarcastic

In high school I had a shirt that said "Nobody knows I'm a Lesbian."

I wore an ironic t shirt before it was cool.

You hipsters can blow me.

Yes, I'm a heterosexual male.

In honor of the 40th Annaversary

Do you ever wonder if Neil Armstrong got really sick of a certain Frank Sinatra song?

Getting Old

I have yet to need a digital rectal exam, but from what my dad has told me it is a real improvement over the old analog rectal exam.

Especially if Kurt Cobain is on guitar

I don't believe in faked celebrity death conspiracy theories, but I will admit that if there is "unreleased" Michael Jackson music featuring Tupac, I will get suspicious.

How times haven't changed

Cowboy: Can light a match on any surface.

Frat boy: Can open a beer on any surface.

Not a planned experiment

Drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth tastes like shit.

Drinking corona after brushing your teeth tastes like apple juice.

Setting the bar involves writing about bars

"RICHARD LAERMER had always thought of himself as a quintessential New Yorker. As evidence, he pointed to his birth in Jackson Heights, his long-time residency in Chelsea and his authorship of seven guidebooks about the city." - The New York Times.

"Apparently my 5 guide books about DC just aren't enough." -Me

Malcolm McDowell as Goku. 'Nuff Said

Brother: "M. Night Shyamalan is directing the Avatar movie, which is a bit like Stanley Kubrik directing a live action Dragonball Z."

Me: "That would be awesome."

Idiots

I saw transformers 2 last night.

It was a good action movie, not "a film."

Any critic who thinks the plot was impossible to follow clearly can't do their job and has less intellectual ability than the 13 year old boys who were drooling over Megan Fox's ass.

Oh, Hitler

Enjoy my latest creation.

He's the shamWow guy

Vince Shlowmi: "You're going to love my nuts."

My Girlfriend: "Bet that's what he said to the hooker."

Thanksgiving in the Neurosurgery Ward

I wonder if split-brain patients can break the wishbone by themselves?  

I bet this is what a long distance relationship with a physics grad student is like....

Student: You hang up.

Significant Other: No, you hang up.

Student: You know, it really doesn't matter at all which one of us hangs up first.  We can't really know, can we?

Attention all Nerdcore Rappers

I hereby give all nerdcore rappers the right to use the following lines.  Just thank me in the liner notes or something:

Got some strain in your fingers and a bad back?

I got a better chair and Qwerty is for bitches, I type in Dvorak!"

Academic Sex Joke #1

Mathematician's wife: I love you.

Mathematician: I love you more.

MW: I love you infinitely.

M: I love you to a second order infinity.

MW:  .......

This Actually Happened

Neuroscientist: Do you have any interest in studying sleep?  I hear there are some pretty good computational models out there.

Me:  It's not really my thing.  Although I did once try a really good model of sleep.  So good in fact that it switched my computer off.

Ridiculous Fields

Due to my research job, I could call myself a "Computational Neuorichthyologist."  What is your ridiculous title?

Psychology Experiment Idea # 2343

I have a tendency to resume interrupted conversations up to fifteen minutes after they were cut off.  I wonder what the time limit on resuming is before the other people get really confused?

Clearly, they don't have their 10,000 hours in

Does it drive you nuts that you can get a great haircut, and then the hairdresser clearly has NO idea how to properly put gel in it afterwards?

"I'm sorry teacher, but Billy has a bad case of Nostalgia"

Am I the only one that thinks the word "Nostalgia" sounds more like the name for some kind of nasal/sinus infection?

I'm sure my professor ain't santa...

It is the night before my last final exam in college, which will be one of the hardest exams I've taken here.  But it feels more like Christmas.  Needless to say this is weird.

If I Ran the Kentucky Derby...

....All horses would have math names, such as:

Linear Combination
Chain Rule
Spanning Set
Implicit Differentiation
Quadratic Formula
Euclid's Algorithm
Adjoint Matrix
Lie Algebra
Real Analysis
Polynomial Space
Nash Equilibrium
Integration by Parts

and so on.

I actually burst out laughing when I thought of this in a meeting

The first time I heard someone use the phrase "the proof is in the pudding" I imagined Sherlock Holmes reaching into a bowl of custard at a dinner party, yanking a revolver out of it and going "Watson! The proof! It's in the pudding!"

Ok, so lets ignore those Andrea Bocceli arias that are in English...

Since all Opera is in Italian or German,* is the comic effect of singing Opera for parody lost on native speakers of those languages?

*traditionally speaking, I know there are exceptions

Lies.

Isn't it strange that extraordinary things always seem to happen to people that we mistrust?

A great song for a great show

Until I saw "Across the Universe" I thought that "With a little help from my friends" was actually just the theme tune for "The Wonder Years."

I was wrong.

Bring on the terrible twos.....

iomalfunction turns 1 today. Too bad it can't eat the cake I didn't make.

Can you hear me now?

The other day I had a rumbling in my stomach so strong that I thought my cell phone was vibrating. I obviously didn't answer, but I got the message.

Putting the "Complete" back in "Complete Bastards"

Whenever a mathematician or logician says "and so it follows that..." what they really mean is "this is obvious to everyone but YOU."

Naming my Daughter Marilyn Manson might be weirder though....

Maynard James Keenan, the lead singer of Tool (my favorite band) named his son "Devo" (after his favorite band). If I name my son "Tool" I'm pretty sure he would get beat up a lot.

But you wouldn't take money out of their garter

I wonder if more conservative local governments would prefer if strippers came on stage naked and were paid to take their time putting their clothes back on?

I have no doubt you'll find this post funny

Listen to "Sunday Morning" by No Doubt.  You will want to harmonize and headbang at the same time.  It's really strange.

I just made a blog post and I....

If girls have fake orgasm contests, guys should consider having fake "jizz in my pants" contests where they try and pull their best "face."

Thoughts on Numbers

If there are an infinite amount of numbers, and they are all to be named, this means that a "zillion" must actually be a number. Also on the list would be:

Yourmom
chimpanzeechoochoo
Porkloin
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Dumbfuck
SpongeBobSquarePants

and so on.

Just like the cool kids

For the last three years, I've used a 12" Apple iBook G4.

For the last three days, I've been trying to figure out if it is the smallest notebook I will ever own or the biggest netbook I'll ever own.

But I still have my marbles

On my desk was a list of ideas for posts.  I think I threw it out yesterday when cleaning my room.  If you happen to be dumpster diving or otherwise digging through trash and find it, please let me know.*

*Also, if you see any grad school letters addressed to me, these would be most appreciated as well.

When on an airline, Pt 2

As the crew is thanking me for flying with them, I have to resist the urge to ask the pilot if he has ever been in a Turkish prison and/or enjoys gladiator films.