I'm sure there would be more appeal if it came with scuba certification....

When I'm a professor, I want to teach a 1 credit course in underwater basket weaving, just so that students can go home and tell their parents that they are definitely going to get an A in underwater basket weaving.

On Wallpaper

I'm pretty convinced that people who are technically literate yet do not change the default desktop background on their computers lack personality.

Sex, Truth, and Videotape

Funny how paying someone for sex is illegal unless you record it and sell it.

On Liquorice

No matter how much I chew a twizzler's, I wish I had chewed it more about half a second after I swallow it.

All is Fair in Love and War

War: Veni, Vidi, Vici

Sex: Vidi, Vici, Veni

Back to the Future

Do you ever think that it would have been funny if siblings were added as well as taken away from the picture of the future that Marty brought back with him to the 1950s?

Stalkerdom

Definition of creepy: Having someone be the mayor of my apartment on 4square other than myself, if such a thing were possible.

Call 1-800-ITS-EASY

Ever notice how the stuff you can order on TV exists only because it makes everyday tasks look impossibly hard or painful, and offers a solution?

"Willy" Lohman, anyone?

A few of my friends took time off from college to get into the sex toy business. It didn't work out. However, I wish I had thought to refer to them as "Dildo Salesman" at the time.

On Swearing

People who say "swearing shows that you have a limited vocabulary" obviously haven't met too many academics.

I don't want to know where you stuck that cookie.

I was just staring off into space and realized in horror that there is a possibility that eventually rap metal will be cool again in a retro kind of sense.

Someone said:
Goth: Existence is Sad.
Emo: I am Sad.

I say:
Hipsters: You are Sad.

DAMMIT!

Do you ever think if Jack Bauer were real that he would be really ashamed of Kiefer Sutherland?

The bane of basic science/you should do something useful

Cellular Biology: Cancer

Neuroscience: Alzheimer's disease

Number Theory: Cryptography

In your field, what is the thing you have to mention in every grant proposal in order to feel like you can get funding?

Experience matters.

Whoever said you can't die from lack of sex was clearly a virgin.

Fabulous Facts

Lady Gaga + Ice Skates + Penis = Johnny Weir.

Tucson

I love this town. Let's hope Hipsters never find out that it exists.

What wouldn't Jesus do?

I don't understand why preachers feel the need to come to college campuses and tell the students that they are all sex-crazed perverts. No one says "I found Jesus after some guy on a soapbox told me I was living the life of a destitute prick, and I had an epiphany...."

Thoughts on 90's dance music

Contrary to popular belief, groove is not in the heart. It is in the Liver. This is why drunks cannot dance.

Pshh...what an Einstein.

Have you ever noticed that the line "God does not play dice with the universe" is self-contradicting?