Hairstyles: As Explained by SCIENCE

Mohawk: Energy and mass are formed at the center of the system in a gaussian distribution. Certain compounds are required to maintain this state. H2O works for a few seconds, more powerful adhesives are required for extended periods of time.

Combover: Some energy and a lot of mass is moving from areas of high to low concentration.

Afro: A chaotic system. The laws of thermodynamics break down at this energy level.

Dreadlocks: When an afro "cools down" after a long period in a chaotic state, it eventually forms an incredibly static system. The only way to alter the state of a "dreadlocked" system is to destroy it completely. Whoever figures out why will get a free trip to Sweden.

Bedhead: This is a strange system, although it appears dynamic, occasionally static pockets emerge. H2O can return this system to a more stable state.

The wisdom of grandparents

"Who are you going to texmex on that new phone?"

The True Pain of Poetry

Isn't "SON OF A BITCH!!" kind of a mouthful to yell when you stub your toe? DAMMIT! FUCK! or SHIT! is much more quick and to the point, yet some of us spit out 5 syllables. That's a third of a haiku.

He got his MBA at KKK State College...?

I look over and see "Managing White Supremacy" on the bookshelf.  For a second I thought it might be a book on how to run your very own hate group.

AOOOGAH!!! DANNN!! DANNN!! DANNN!!

I want my house to have alarms like in movies and old TV shows, so that way when it burns down, it will do so in style.

This started as a Russian reversal, I swear...

Sex:  A drug that uses you when you use it.

On a Whiteboard in the UNIX lab

I lost my physics textbook. Please return it. I am not mad just worried. I NEED IT TO STUDY!
-

I lost my mind. Please return it. I am not mad, just worried. I NEED IT FOR EVERYTHING!
-

It was delicious.
-Zombie #147

Not in your Sears Catalog

Schroedinger's Dishwasher: No one knows if the dishes are clean or not!

Schroedinger's Percolator: No one knows if it makes decaf or not!

Schroedinger's Toaster: No one knows if the toast is done...aren't all toasters like this?

Schroedinger's Toilet: No one knows if it has been flu......ewww

Schroedinger's Mailbox: Not approved by the postal service, to say the least.

Schroedinger's Vending Machine: It will eat your change. This is certain.

Schroedinger's Bullshit: No one knows if it is true.

Schroedinger's Shower: See "Second Degree Burns"

Schroedinger's Pregnancy Test: .....oh god....

You know you're a right wing nutjob if...

You grew up in a "compound" and your last name isn't "Kennedy."

It's a logarithmic scale

Olive Oil purity scale:

1. Extra Virgin
2. Virgin
3. Doesn't go slutty on haloween
4. Active but responsible
5. Kind of a ho
6. Total Slut
7. Would do anything for a slice of pizza
8. The "She"* in "that's what She said."

*From now on, "She" will be a proper noun, because She is out there some where.

This doens't make me yee-haw

I wonder if the Republicans have any idea how many voters they alienate with country music.

Life isn't like a box of Chocolates

If I voted for McCain and I was an asshole, and he won, my facebook status would say "...is sorry he ruined your black panther party."

The tickets still cost the same

Isn't it weird that we don't like seeing comedians who tell the same jokes over and over, but we like it when bands play the same songs they always do?*

*Yes, we expect some variety, but you get what I mean.

I guess we all know how my brain is wired....

I saw a license plate today that said "MRICLE" and for a few minutes I was trying to figure out how the "CLE" pertained to getting or giving an MRI. Is it a job? A certifi....oh, micacle. Nevermind.

At least it doesn't taste like chicken...

Why does a post frosted flakes belch always taste like mac and cheese?

Not Schizophrenia

The only thing that looks crazier than a person talking to themselves on a bluetooth headset? Someone doing it in another language.

I bet they used Cosmos as an anesthetic....

I drove past a town today called "Ladysmith" and immediately thought "I bet that's what they called the surgeons performing sex-change operations back in the Victorian times...."

Retro in HD

I'm trying to figure out why this new HD TV makes a NES like beeping noise when turned on or off. So far: HD has gone retro?

Air Hockey

Any game where you are more likely to win by your opponent scoring on themselves than you scoring is not a game of skill.

Multiple Choice

Multiple choice tests: They give you the right answer, but you still get it wrong.